I wanna say you're a real good guy
But we'd both know that would be a lie
It's been a nightmare being your friend
So it's time for this charade to end

I can't say goodbye
'Cause you might grind me down into meat pie
I'll tell the school that you've got avian flu
So it'll be their job to get rid of you

I hope they put you into quarantine
Or lock you up until you turn eighteen
So maybe then I'll never have to fear
That you might suddenly bite off my ear
(Please don't bite off my ear!)

I can't say goodbye
My face will be too mangled to identify
If I could get your house repossessed
You'd be forced to relocate to your grans in the northwest

I could get you arrested for stealing a car
I could get you a job as a miner
I could ship you in a crate to qatar
Or sell you as kebab to a dirty diner
(It's not real meat, anyway!)

I could get your folks to forget you on the freeway
Sell you to a freak show on its way to uruguay
I could get you stuck on a fair ground ride (forever)
Send you to a wedding in somewhere-stan
With you as the bride

I can't say, goodbye
But it's no use trying to deny
That I don't wanna be friends with you
So do whatever you have to do